Long Live Chivalry!

In days gone by, acts such as opening a door for a lady, walking on the outside when on the road, or giving up your seat on the bus were considered common courtesy to be extended to women. Now such chivalrous deeds are an exception, rather than the norm. I think the reason for this is two fold.
 

The first and perhaps the most serious problem is the absence of fathers in the lives of young men. Chivalry is handed down from father to son in the same way that values are - directly through instruction, and indirectly by example. The problem in our country is that we have a generation of men who grew up without fathers, many of whom in turn became absentee fathers themselves. Like a spoken language with no one to pass it along, chivalry is a critically endangered practice.

 

The second issue lies squarely at the feet of women who have lowered their standards. Perhaps responding to the decline of gallant acts, they have grown accustomed to their absence and have come not to expect them. When something is not expected, it is less likely to be given.

 
Worse yet are women who either don't understand or don't care for chivalrous acts. I will never forget one experience I had in high school. I grew up in Montego Bay, and back in those days (I feel so old saying that) the city didn't have buses, but were served by ubiquitous route taxis. I was one of two passengers on the back seat of on taxi on the stand. A woman approached the taxi and so I opened the door and got out to put her in. This woman not only refused to get into the vehicle, but proceeded to cuss and chastise me for wanting to put her to sit in the middle. Not wanting to sit in the middle is fine as a personal preference, but the crass behavior was uncalled for, and absurdly I was the one that was embarrassed.
 
In hindsight, that experience had an unconscious effect on me. I find that I hesitate to do chivalrous things because I am uncertain of whether the recipient will be accepting or offended. While this is perhaps an irrational reaction, is it also not a conscious one. And I will assert that one may be considered anachronistic at best, and in extreme cases "soft" or quaint when one persists in socially uncommon acts. Sadly, changing views on what is considered manly have also left chivalry marginalized.
 
Having realized the forces that have unknowingly moulded me, I have now resolved to be counted among those who form the last bastion of chivalry. I will hold the line; I will stand my ground! I will not allow women who do not appreciate courtesy, nor unsophisticated miscreants who scoff, nor my own desire to blend in to curtail my gallantry.
 

To women I sound a call to arms: insist on valour, and train the uninitiated. When a man misses an opportunity to be chivalrous, call him on it. Most importantly, allow a man to be a man! Accept offers of assistance. It doesn't undermine your ability to take care of yourself, it only means that he wants to take care of you too. Let him open the door, don't race him for the handle. Allow him the opportunity to pull out your chair. Give pause so that he may open the car door. And never forget to acknowledge such acts; they are rare and to be appreciated.

 
What chivalrous acts would you like to see more often? Please share your thoughts below. And share this article with others!
 

Long Live Chivalry!

In days gone by, acts such as opening a door for a lady, walking on the outside when on the road, or giving up your seat on the bus were considered common courtesy to be extended to women. Now such chivalrous deeds are an exception, rather than the norm. I think the reason for this is two fold.
 

The first and perhaps the most serious problem is the absence of fathers in the lives of young men. Chivalry is handed down from father to son in the same way that values are - directly through instruction, and indirectly by example. The problem in our country is that we have a generation of men who grew up without fathers, many of whom in turn became absentee fathers themselves. Like a spoken language with no one to pass it along, chivalry is a critically endangered practice.

 

The second issue lies squarely at the feet of women who have lowered their standards. Perhaps responding to the decline of gallant acts, they have grown accustomed to their absence and have come not to expect them. When something is not expected, it is less likely to be given.

 
Worse yet are women who either don't understand or don't care for chivalrous acts. I will never forget one experience I had in high school. I grew up in Montego Bay, and back in those days (I feel so old saying that) the city didn't have buses, but were served by ubiquitous route taxis. I was one of two passengers on the back seat of on taxi on the stand. A woman approached the taxi and so I opened the door and got out to put her in. This woman not only refused to get into the vehicle, but proceeded to cuss and chastise me for wanting to put her to sit in the middle. Not wanting to sit in the middle is fine as a personal preference, but the crass behavior was uncalled for, and absurdly I was the one that was embarrassed.
 
In hindsight, that experience had an unconscious effect on me. I find that I hesitate to do chivalrous things because I am uncertain of whether the recipient will be accepting or offended. While this is perhaps an irrational reaction, is it also not a conscious one. And I will assert that one may be considered anachronistic at best, and in extreme cases "soft" or quaint when one persists in socially uncommon acts. Sadly, changing views on what is considered manly have also left chivalry marginalized.
 
Having realized the forces that have unknowingly moulded me, I have now resolved to be counted among those who form the last bastion of chivalry. I will hold the line; I will stand my ground! I will not allow women who do not appreciate courtesy, nor unsophisticated miscreants who scoff, nor my own desire to blend in to curtail my gallantry.
 

To women I sound a call to arms: insist on valour, and train the uninitiated. When a man misses an opportunity to be chivalrous, call him on it. Most importantly, allow a man to be a man! Accept offers of assistance. It doesn't undermine your ability to take care of yourself, it only means that he wants to take care of you too. Let him open the door, don't race him for the handle. Allow him the opportunity to pull out your chair. Give pause so that he may open the car door. And never forget to acknowledge such acts; they are rare and to be appreciated.

 
What chivalrous acts would you like to see more often? Please share your thoughts below. And share this article with others!
 

Why Kindness Is On Life Support

While in the checkout line at the supermarket, a woman walks up behind me with four boxes of cake mix.  I am next in line and I probably have a dozen items, so I offer to let her go ahead, and she accepts.

When it comes her turn to checkout, she calls to a child who was still in the isle, and the child runs up bringing two more items with her. No biggie, she still has only a handful of items - or so I think. This woman now calls to another child, who is also lurking in the isle, telling him to hurry up. He runs up pushing a trolley of other items!  I actually have to step aside so that he can pass me to unload the goods.

At this point I feel a little cheated, as she now has more items than I do. Didn't it occur to her that the reason I offered to let her go ahead was because she had only four items, and I was being courteous?

While I'm here mulling over how inconsiderate this woman is, another lady walks up and joins her, with two more kids, an a few more items in hand.  Now I'm just plain annoyed, as her mini pile of groceries has dwarfed my few items.  And the selfishness keeps coming: the first lady (and I'm being polite by continuing to call her a lady) proceeds to send the kids back for more items!  How thoughtless can one possibly get?  As for the little runts who aren't running back for more stuff, they are busy creating a commotion asking the prices for sweets which they are paying for separately.

In the midst of the ruckus unfolding in front of me, this guy walks up with two boxes of milk. Great, another one joins the hoggish bunch! Only he isn't with them. He pushes between the children and asks the cashier to ring up his two boxes of milk. Surely she would point out that I was in fact waiting to be checked out. But she doesn't! She cashes his milk, and sends him on his merry way.  By this time, I'm silently simmering.

As the ordeal winds to a close, I'm back at the front of the line watching this woman and her entourage take up their bags of groceries and leave. Not even a fleeting thank you, for my kindness and forbearance.  Good riddance.

This experience got me thinking about why kindness and consideration for others is lacking in society.  The answer I came up with is that selfishness begets selfishness. If being kind is going to get you trampled on, then there is a disincentive for this action.

We can talk about focusing on a higher reason for being kind, and we can yap about altruism and the lot. But truth be told, no one wants to be taken advantage of. We all have some limit to our kindness - let's call it a kindness quota. And sometimes we don't wait for this quota to run out, instead we ration it. We don't let the car on the side road out, because the whole line will speed out behind him - and we don't plan on being kind to all of them. Additionally, we really can't be bothered to suffer at the wrath of the drivers behind us, who slam on their horns the minute we slow down to let someone out.

When kindness is punished, we end up with a society in which selfishness is endemic. It forms a vicious cycle - no one is kind, because others are unkind.  It's self perpetuating.

My kindess quota went into overdraft after my supermarket debacle. As the last of this woman's bags were being packed, a guy walks up behind me with two small tomatoes in hand.  I wonder what he thought as I didn't even spare him a second glance, planting myself squarely in front of the cashier, securing my place in the checkout isle.