Long Live Chivalry!

In days gone by, acts such as opening a door for a lady, walking on the outside when on the road, or giving up your seat on the bus were considered common courtesy to be extended to women. Now such chivalrous deeds are an exception, rather than the norm. I think the reason for this is two fold.
 

The first and perhaps the most serious problem is the absence of fathers in the lives of young men. Chivalry is handed down from father to son in the same way that values are - directly through instruction, and indirectly by example. The problem in our country is that we have a generation of men who grew up without fathers, many of whom in turn became absentee fathers themselves. Like a spoken language with no one to pass it along, chivalry is a critically endangered practice.

 

The second issue lies squarely at the feet of women who have lowered their standards. Perhaps responding to the decline of gallant acts, they have grown accustomed to their absence and have come not to expect them. When something is not expected, it is less likely to be given.

 
Worse yet are women who either don't understand or don't care for chivalrous acts. I will never forget one experience I had in high school. I grew up in Montego Bay, and back in those days (I feel so old saying that) the city didn't have buses, but were served by ubiquitous route taxis. I was one of two passengers on the back seat of on taxi on the stand. A woman approached the taxi and so I opened the door and got out to put her in. This woman not only refused to get into the vehicle, but proceeded to cuss and chastise me for wanting to put her to sit in the middle. Not wanting to sit in the middle is fine as a personal preference, but the crass behavior was uncalled for, and absurdly I was the one that was embarrassed.
 
In hindsight, that experience had an unconscious effect on me. I find that I hesitate to do chivalrous things because I am uncertain of whether the recipient will be accepting or offended. While this is perhaps an irrational reaction, is it also not a conscious one. And I will assert that one may be considered anachronistic at best, and in extreme cases "soft" or quaint when one persists in socially uncommon acts. Sadly, changing views on what is considered manly have also left chivalry marginalized.
 
Having realized the forces that have unknowingly moulded me, I have now resolved to be counted among those who form the last bastion of chivalry. I will hold the line; I will stand my ground! I will not allow women who do not appreciate courtesy, nor unsophisticated miscreants who scoff, nor my own desire to blend in to curtail my gallantry.
 

To women I sound a call to arms: insist on valour, and train the uninitiated. When a man misses an opportunity to be chivalrous, call him on it. Most importantly, allow a man to be a man! Accept offers of assistance. It doesn't undermine your ability to take care of yourself, it only means that he wants to take care of you too. Let him open the door, don't race him for the handle. Allow him the opportunity to pull out your chair. Give pause so that he may open the car door. And never forget to acknowledge such acts; they are rare and to be appreciated.

 
What chivalrous acts would you like to see more often? Please share your thoughts below. And share this article with others!
 

Long Live Chivalry!

In days gone by, acts such as opening a door for a lady, walking on the outside when on the road, or giving up your seat on the bus were considered common courtesy to be extended to women. Now such chivalrous deeds are an exception, rather than the norm. I think the reason for this is two fold.
 

The first and perhaps the most serious problem is the absence of fathers in the lives of young men. Chivalry is handed down from father to son in the same way that values are - directly through instruction, and indirectly by example. The problem in our country is that we have a generation of men who grew up without fathers, many of whom in turn became absentee fathers themselves. Like a spoken language with no one to pass it along, chivalry is a critically endangered practice.

 

The second issue lies squarely at the feet of women who have lowered their standards. Perhaps responding to the decline of gallant acts, they have grown accustomed to their absence and have come not to expect them. When something is not expected, it is less likely to be given.

 
Worse yet are women who either don't understand or don't care for chivalrous acts. I will never forget one experience I had in high school. I grew up in Montego Bay, and back in those days (I feel so old saying that) the city didn't have buses, but were served by ubiquitous route taxis. I was one of two passengers on the back seat of on taxi on the stand. A woman approached the taxi and so I opened the door and got out to put her in. This woman not only refused to get into the vehicle, but proceeded to cuss and chastise me for wanting to put her to sit in the middle. Not wanting to sit in the middle is fine as a personal preference, but the crass behavior was uncalled for, and absurdly I was the one that was embarrassed.
 
In hindsight, that experience had an unconscious effect on me. I find that I hesitate to do chivalrous things because I am uncertain of whether the recipient will be accepting or offended. While this is perhaps an irrational reaction, is it also not a conscious one. And I will assert that one may be considered anachronistic at best, and in extreme cases "soft" or quaint when one persists in socially uncommon acts. Sadly, changing views on what is considered manly have also left chivalry marginalized.
 
Having realized the forces that have unknowingly moulded me, I have now resolved to be counted among those who form the last bastion of chivalry. I will hold the line; I will stand my ground! I will not allow women who do not appreciate courtesy, nor unsophisticated miscreants who scoff, nor my own desire to blend in to curtail my gallantry.
 

To women I sound a call to arms: insist on valour, and train the uninitiated. When a man misses an opportunity to be chivalrous, call him on it. Most importantly, allow a man to be a man! Accept offers of assistance. It doesn't undermine your ability to take care of yourself, it only means that he wants to take care of you too. Let him open the door, don't race him for the handle. Allow him the opportunity to pull out your chair. Give pause so that he may open the car door. And never forget to acknowledge such acts; they are rare and to be appreciated.

 
What chivalrous acts would you like to see more often? Please share your thoughts below. And share this article with others!
 

Too Nice To Be True

"If it's too good to be true, it probably is" - so goes the old adage, which can sometimes save you a world of grief, if applied in the right situation. The late comers to pyramid schemes, victims of lottery scams, and all the winners of free iPads curtesy of Mark Zuckerberg, can attest to this. But the cynical and distrustful attitude which the statement engenders may also result in missed opportunities.

For women in want of a good man, this may very well be the case. Most women will claim to be objective in their search for that perfect man, and they will quickly tell you that "bad boys" are no good, and they get very quickly ruled out. Now you may think that if you're not bad, you've got to be good, and therefore have a very clearcut chance. But things are never that simple. While "good" and "nice" may pass as synonyms for the lexically inclined, not so in the mind of a woman! And "nice" is not a label you want a woman to apply to you.

What! Why wouldn't I want to be considered nice? So asks the uninitiated in consternation. While doing nice things will score you points with the ladies, being labeled a "nice guy" is definitely not to be desired. In fact, you're probably better of being known as the bad boy, than the nice guy, for in this list (if you will forgive the cliché) they really do finish last. Bad boys might not win the girl in the long run, but most women will fall for them at some point, albeit short lived. Nice guys on the other hand are often left standing on the sidelines to put the pieces back together after his nemesis is done playing.

Well let's attempt the impossible, let's try to figure out what what goes on in the mind of a woman *gasp* as she ignores all the nice guys, and goes romping around in decidedly bad company.

Nice Guys Are Too Easy

First thing, get your mind out of the gutter, that's not the easy we are talking about. What we are talking about here is the propensity of women to want to improve their men. They love to dress, groom, and feed their men and the jury is out on whether to blame this on their Mom's or Mattel. And it doesn't stop there, as also to be improved is the personality and overall demeanor of their mate.

Put a bunch of men (preferably friends who go way back) all together at a house party with their mates, and very quickly you end up with a "Taming of the Crew" scenario - most attentive spouse wins! Women take great pleasure in pointing out how much Ken has changed since being with Barbara, and how much Vincent has mellowed in the five years he's been married to Marsha. And all credit goes to the woman who tamed this otherwise wild beast. 

And herein lies the problem - nice guys don't need to be tamed. While no one is perfect, there is nothing spectacular about taking a nice guy and making him nicer, who is going to notice that? Where is the challenge? Too easy, moving right along.


Too Nice

This brings us to our second scenario: perhaps nice guys are simply too nice.  This is where defense mechanisms kick in - he's too nice to be true, so he probably is a fake, best keep him at arms length.  Sadly, this is the case because the male species actively sabotages itself - at least one third of us!  While women may consciously, or subconsciously throw us into one of the three categories, we all reap the distrust which results from the bad experiences with the bad boys.

When a guy puts out his best foot, the girl assumes he's just trying to get through the door, from which point he'll simply get mud all over her abode.  The nicer he his, the more doubtful she becomes.  Like quick money for little or no work, this guy is just too nice to be true.


He's Just A Friend

While nice guys may not get their pick of girlfriends, they are often consistently nice and quickly overcome the prejudice all men face in the pursuit of the opposite sex.  Soon the nice guy who wasn't to be trusted becomes a nice friend to have around.  But alas, that's where it usually stops - just friends. The nice guy is the friend she can call when the bad boy has made her cry, again. The nice guy will always say the right words at that time of the month, when the boyfriend camps out at the bar, for his personal safety. And most importantly, the nice guys does not view her as a sex object and can simply enjoy her company.

We could go on and on about the benefits of having a nice guy as a friend. But I think that has been satisfactorily addressed elsewhere.  With all the benefits that come with having a nice guy as a friend, it is understandable that a woman will want to protect that friendship.  Unfortunately, that often means that she does not consider him for the role of a boyfriend.  Irrational fears may be at play here.  What if he changes?  What if it doesn't work out, she can't very well cry on his shoulder.  Best to keep him as a friend than risk losing him as a boyfriend.

Johnny Be Good

Be a bad boy, and you're guaranteed to have some fun.  Be a nice guy, and you'll make some great friends - everyone likes a nice guy.  But too often nice guys get stuck being just a friend.  We could play the blame game and place this right on the laps of the women who overlook the nice guys.  But perhaps these nice guys need some backbone too - and not the kind you get from steam fish, that comes later.

Is there a middle ground to be found?  ** cue drum roll ** Enter the good guy!  ** flourish and applause **  This guy has many of the characteristics of the nice guy, but he's got that edge that doesn't leave her feeling like she's missing out.  He'll buy her roses just because, but he also has some rough edges which she delights in trying to sand down.  For example, he is conscious of his appearance, but could use some help in that department.  And since he has a backbone, he can tell her what she doesn't want to hear (but needs to be told) when she's being stubborn.

So guys, go, be good!  For much like the protagonists of Hollywood, the good guy always gets the girl in the end.

Are all the good men really taken?

Women often say "all the good men are taken". But I think that statement is fundamentally incorrect. Think about it, for it to be true that all good men are taken, there has to be a finite supply of good men. Now while there is a finite number of men alive at any given point in time, the world population is always growing. Unless you live under a rock with no BBC, you should probably know that we are rapidly approaching the seven billion milestone. Believe it or not, over half of that number is male. Yes, you read right. There are more males than females on earth. How many of these "many many men" are good is up for debate. But can they all be taken?

Let's fix one variable and assume that you are considered a man when you reach the age of 18. The fact still remains that this finite supply is always growing. Even if there are voracious women lay-waiting unsuspecting boys just as they come of age, at some point, even if only for a split second, the good ones aren't all taken. Perhaps the problem with the women who complain, is that they aren't quick enough?

Putting the jokes aside, let's pull this apart some more. It should be pretty clear by now that there are men out there, and that at some point they have to be single, free, and disengaged. We aren't going to talk about what makes a man good, we will just assume that some are good, as is implied by the statement under consideration - there have to be good men for them to be taken. So why are women not finding them? I argue that it's not the lack of good men that is the problem, rather it's the viewpoint of women who are in search of good men. It should be obvious by now that while they were lamenting the lack of good men, other women were busy securing these same men who were thought by their peers to be lacking.

Why are the women who utter the captioned statement constantly losing out? It may well be that they are looking in all the wrong places. But this is highly unlikely. Women like the company of their peers, and often work and hang out in the same places. Therefore, unless the successful seekers have private hunting grounds, they are all looking in pretty much the same places. In any case, I think it is fair to say that there are good men across all strata of society, and a woman in search is bound to run into a few at some point.

Let's consider an alternative: perhaps their viewpoint is blinding some women, making it hard to see the good men who pass their way. If they constantly tell themselves that all the good ones are taken, and busy themselves envying the women who have found good ones, then when a good man comes along, they don't see him. Or, worse yet, they assume he is no good since he's not taken! Oh what irony! And don't be quick to dismiss this later possibility. All too often I hear women ask of a single man "what's wrong with him"? Their immediate assumption is that if he is single, then it's because women don't want him, and since women don't want him, there must be something wrong with him.  The advantage therefore goes to the women whose vision are not clouded by such presuppositions. While their counterparts are busy trying to figure out what's wrong with him, they are busying themselves finding out if he is the right guy for them. 

Score one for the woman who is truly looking, and not merely complaining.