Get In Line!

What is it with Jamaicans and lines? We are completely averse to the concept of forming a line. And when we are forced to make one, we resist being in it with every fibre of our...um, feet.

Walk into a wholesale or a shop, and everyone crowds around the counter, jockeying for attention. The attendants learn to ignore the cacophony of orders and requests, and can ultimately serve only one person at a time. So why not just form a darn line people!

In some places, like at cashiers, ATMs or government offices, one has no choice but to form a line. But we still rebel, as if fighting the concept through poor execution. Some people lurk in the general area of the queue, resulting in a formless crowd, each person mentally keeping track of the person 'in front' of them. Of course I use the term 'in front' loosely, as no one stands in relative order. The guy at the back of the line chatting up the pretty girl is likely to be next.  And the woman tapping impatiently at the front of the line may in fact be willing the line to move faster, so that she will eventually be next.

Then there are the line dynamics.  With each movement, everyone eyes the next person, making sure that they aren't trying to disrupt the perceived order. And if you need to join the line, you have to inquire as to the location of the 'back' of the line, then stand defensively so that someone who joins the 'line' after will recognize your position.

What gives people?  Is this some latent hatred for the order imposed on us in school? Or did we never grow up? As children we were naturally impatient, and sought any opportunity to 'bore' the line. But surely as adults we should by now recognize that things work better where there is order. So people, can we just form a line. Please?

Apples and LIMEs

It's amazing how simple things can turn customer service into customer annoyance.  All of us are familiar with interactive voice response (IVR) systems - you know those glorified answering machines that you get when you call a customer care line.  "Please press 1 for billing information…", "please press 2 for information on services", "please press 3 to be directed into the endless void, where you will wait an eternity to speak with an underpaid and generally unhelpful human being".  They are overall annoyances, and even more annoying are the voices that babble out your choices for customer frustration…um, I mean customer service.

Recently, I had an interaction with one of these systems which changed my view of them entirely.  I had a problem with a top-up transaction, and I had to call LIME customer care.  Upon dialing 100 I was slightly surprised by the voice that greeted me.  The first thing that stood out was that it was a male voice - atypical for IVRs.  Another thing which struck me was how natural this voice sounded - it wasn't your usual bland, deadpan, even toned zombie voice.  Furthermore, "he" was conversational, even assertive, and greeted me with the correct time of day (morning at the time).  This voice had personality, and manners!  In fact, I think "he" deserves a name, so let's call him LIME Man.

After selecting the option to speak with a  customer care agent, LIME Man continued as if having a conversation: "Now if this is about an iPhone, press 1, for any other type of phone, press 2".  I pressed 2 and then he said quite simply: "And, one last thing, is this a business phone?  Just press 1 for yes, and 2 for no".  Isn't LIME Man just straightforward and helpful?  After I answered, he says: "Ok, please wait while I transfer you to a customer service agent".  This may not sound very exciting reading it here, but it was a pleasant experience.  Notice how the transitions flowed smoothly? I was actually eager to press a number to see what he would say next.

So of course I had to call back and run some more tests on the system.  The first menu had 4 options, and the third and 4th are good examples of what I mean when I say the system is conversational.  These options read like this: "If you are having any problems using your handset, please press 3 and I can get you tech support; and for anything else press 4".  If you sit on the line, LIME Man says "please make a choice" and then repeats the options.  If you don't make a choice, he says "sorry I'm having so many problems, let me transfer you to a customer care agent".  Other cheeky IVRs would simply say "I did not get a response, good bye", leaving you feeling rejected and outsmarted by a silly computer.  But not so with LIME Man!  He apologizes, even though you may be pressing the wrong numbers, or even if you are an idiot who is just playing with the IVR.  This is a truly user friendly system.

So having realized that I wrote four entire paragraphs about an automated computer system, I thought there must be some important nugget in the experience that tugged at something inside me.  Then it occurred to me that the IVR isn't the real story here.  Neither is customer service.  It is the fact that someone put a lot of thought into something that is usually ignored, taken for granted, and served up as is.  Someone made the mundane into something interesting.  And so begins my justification of this extravagance of words about an IVR.

No one expects an IVR to be user friendly; in fact some may argue that it's mere existence is user friendly enough - it's quicker and easier than having to wait for an operator to transfer you.  Back when they were invented, IVRs were innovative.  Now they are just run of the mill - status quo.  That someone saw an opportunity to take something that is usually ignored, and make it get noticed and appreciated is truly amazing.

Apple did the same thing with the consumer electronics industry.  Twice they transformed the personal computer industry: first in the 80s by making computers preassembled, ready to use devices, when other manufactures sold computers as kits for electronics engineers to assemble, and programmers to write code for.  They changed the computer industry again at the turn of the century by making computers sexy, when everyone else was selling beige boxes.  

Then Apple set their sights on the smartphone industry, causing a few waves with the iPhone in 2007.  The iPhone was impressive, but no one expected them to dethrone the likes of Nokia and RIM.  Then the did.  They made smartphones as fun as they were functional, and then empowered developers to do virtually anything with these devices.  In just five years, Apple became the undisputed heavyweight of the smartphone industry, reigning from atop their mountain of cash. 

While everyone was busy catching up with the iPhone, Apple was lining up a hat trick.  The iPad was not the the first tablet ever.  But can you name another that predated it?  Apple made the iPad the only tablet that mattered through one fundamental change - making it simple to use your fingers to control it.  That minor change, coupled with the already hugely successful iPhone software platform made it an immediate hit.

In every case, Apple's success came from recognizing opportunities for improvement that no one else saw.  They took things which were status quo, imagined them better, and gave them to the world.  LIME has done the same with their brand new IVR - see, I got back on topic.

While this cool new IVR probably won't help LIME dethrone Big Red, it's certainly refreshing to see that the company is learning to pay attention to details.  They previously did this when they introduced affordable data plans, and full support for data enabled devices.  In doing so, they quietly secured a solid revenue stream with the road warriors, and the tech savvy crowd.

If LIME can do for other services what they have done for their IVR, they may yet be able to transform their sour image with consumers, into the sweet love affair that everyone has with candied Apple.  So to LIME I say: keep sweating the small stuff!

Why Kindness Is On Life Support

While in the checkout line at the supermarket, a woman walks up behind me with four boxes of cake mix.  I am next in line and I probably have a dozen items, so I offer to let her go ahead, and she accepts.

When it comes her turn to checkout, she calls to a child who was still in the isle, and the child runs up bringing two more items with her. No biggie, she still has only a handful of items - or so I think. This woman now calls to another child, who is also lurking in the isle, telling him to hurry up. He runs up pushing a trolley of other items!  I actually have to step aside so that he can pass me to unload the goods.

At this point I feel a little cheated, as she now has more items than I do. Didn't it occur to her that the reason I offered to let her go ahead was because she had only four items, and I was being courteous?

While I'm here mulling over how inconsiderate this woman is, another lady walks up and joins her, with two more kids, an a few more items in hand.  Now I'm just plain annoyed, as her mini pile of groceries has dwarfed my few items.  And the selfishness keeps coming: the first lady (and I'm being polite by continuing to call her a lady) proceeds to send the kids back for more items!  How thoughtless can one possibly get?  As for the little runts who aren't running back for more stuff, they are busy creating a commotion asking the prices for sweets which they are paying for separately.

In the midst of the ruckus unfolding in front of me, this guy walks up with two boxes of milk. Great, another one joins the hoggish bunch! Only he isn't with them. He pushes between the children and asks the cashier to ring up his two boxes of milk. Surely she would point out that I was in fact waiting to be checked out. But she doesn't! She cashes his milk, and sends him on his merry way.  By this time, I'm silently simmering.

As the ordeal winds to a close, I'm back at the front of the line watching this woman and her entourage take up their bags of groceries and leave. Not even a fleeting thank you, for my kindness and forbearance.  Good riddance.

This experience got me thinking about why kindness and consideration for others is lacking in society.  The answer I came up with is that selfishness begets selfishness. If being kind is going to get you trampled on, then there is a disincentive for this action.

We can talk about focusing on a higher reason for being kind, and we can yap about altruism and the lot. But truth be told, no one wants to be taken advantage of. We all have some limit to our kindness - let's call it a kindness quota. And sometimes we don't wait for this quota to run out, instead we ration it. We don't let the car on the side road out, because the whole line will speed out behind him - and we don't plan on being kind to all of them. Additionally, we really can't be bothered to suffer at the wrath of the drivers behind us, who slam on their horns the minute we slow down to let someone out.

When kindness is punished, we end up with a society in which selfishness is endemic. It forms a vicious cycle - no one is kind, because others are unkind.  It's self perpetuating.

My kindess quota went into overdraft after my supermarket debacle. As the last of this woman's bags were being packed, a guy walks up behind me with two small tomatoes in hand.  I wonder what he thought as I didn't even spare him a second glance, planting myself squarely in front of the cashier, securing my place in the checkout isle.

Touché Digicel

Digicel took to the streets today setting off car alarms with their mobile sound system, causing congestion on the sidewalks with their numbers, and triggering epileptic seizures with their bright red attire.  And they got up early to set about on their campaign of terror.

While on my way to work this morning the Gleaner caught my eye with the following headline "Reduction in call rates". I immediately thought this was in reference to the proposed cut in network termination fees (the amount that each provider pays to the other for placing a call into their respective networks).

With that thought in mind I was then greeted by a ridiculous looking, large red mouth with it's tongue stuck out - I was terrified! Standing (or perhaps hiding) behind this monstrosity was a guy wearing a Digicel shirt advertising a flat calling rate of $8.99. He didn't seem particularly thrilled with his outfit.  But his partners in crime were distributing fliers in the traffic at the stop lights, and they were bubbling with excitement.  Maybe they were just happy they didn't have to wear the silly looking cardboard mouth.

My initial mental assessment of these two bits of information (the headline, and the Digicel campaign), was that the government legislated a change in termination rates, and Digicel was out of the blocks ahead of LIME in making it a great opportunity to shape the minds of the public on this new change.

Unfortunately this was wishful thinking, at least as far as the reduction in termination rate was concerned. The rate change headline and the Digicel campaign are one and the same. In a dastardly move, Digicel today announced a flat rate calling plan for calls to all networks, with pomp and fanfare.

It's worth noting that this new rate is a effectively a reduction of only $1.01 off current Digicel to Digicel rates, and an increase of $0.99 in off peak rates.  But psychologically $8.99 looks like a bigger reduction.  For out of network calls, consumers are seeing reductions in excess of $5 and $8 (for LIME and Flow call respectively).

While I'm no fan of Digicel, I have to grudgingly give them credit for this brilliant piece of strategy. One day, that headline will be about a forced reduction to the termination rate. Digicel, realizing the inevitable, has gone on the offensive. When the change comes, and LIME reduces its cross network rates (currently at $12 for prepaid customers) there shall be no opportunity for LIME to capitalize on this from a marketing perspective. Digicel will not be caught on the back foot when that ball comes their direction.

Digicel stands to lose some money in the process, but not a lot if they play their cards right. With the government gunning for lower rates, Digicel is in a fight it can't win. Lowering rates ahead of a government mandate wins them consumer favour, and disarms the competition. Any forthcoming rate changes by LIME will merely seem like a response.  The man on the street won't know the real reasons behind the rate change, and this is why this is such a good move.

Good job on this preemptive strike Digicel. Your move LIME.

Wide Shut

I wholeheartedly believe in the importance of open communication. Sometimes my best ideas, or most profound realizations come to me in the middle of a conversation. They come unbidden from the recesses of my mind, taking shape between my tongue and lips as though breathed to life by the act of speech.

However, I've also learned that there is such a thing as being too open. Like talking too much in class is likely to get you in trouble with your teacher (and earn you an ear wringing from your mother), so it is that some utterances will get you in one form of trouble or another. Nowhere is this more pronounced than in a romantic relationship. Friends may excuse your curious epiphany (sometimes confession), but lovers take everything to heart (a mixed blessing) and it may inadvertently feed insecurities.

Communicating is a wholesome activity, but unchecked speech can be dangerous. The key is finding a middle ground, without having to assess potential unintended consequences of every syllable about to be uttered.

Eat Some Mud!

Ever tried to eat mud?  Was it a good experience?  Probably not. But assuming you were a child when you did this (I hope you were), you likely didn't give it much thought before munching away on that dollop of wet earth.  You may have been playing around in the yard when the thought hit you: this stuff looks a lot like chocolate.  You perhaps wondered if it taste like chocolate too.  Hmm, free chocolate, all you can eat too!  And your eager mind didn't waste anymore time thinking, before your little hands went to your mouth.  And from that unthinking act you hopefully learned the difference between food and, well, dirt.

As children, we were creatures of action.  We got a lot done in very few years, learned tremendously quickly, and tried out tonnes of crazy ideas.  Sadly, as we grew older we were conditioned to be thinking, rational human beings.  We were told to think before acting, or suffer the consequences - unwanted pregnancies, wrecking our car after downing one bottle too many, the pleasure of a root canal.  While the foregoing are in fact highly undesirable, thinking before we act has it's exceptions.  Sometimes thinking too much can hamper our efforts at actually getting things done.

Let's take exercise as an example.  You've decided that you should exercise.  Your doctor says you need to.  You've seen your spouse eyeing the next door neighbour with the well toned legs.  And your car sinks just a bit more each time you get in, and it's not the suspension that's the problem.  So there are many good reasons to jog, run, or better yet, get to the gym.  Next, you sit down and think through your schedule, shift around a few things to make some free hours, and mark them off on your calendar.  Finally, you play with your budget and come up with enough money for gym membership and maybe even a personal trainer.  You've thought this through, and you've come up with a working plan.  Good job!

Two weeks later, the only thing you have exercised is your cerebrum, and that's not the muscle you had in mind when you paid for your gym membership.  When the time comes to get to the gym and get on the treadmill, you start thinking yourself out of it: you had a long day at work, going to the gym will only burn out what's left of you; you have a slight pain in your leg, you don't want to aggravate it; your spouse should love you unconditionally, flabby legs and all!  What gives?

Your problem at this point isn't motivation, it's follow through.  And your thinking mind is now your enemy.  If you really want to get to the gym, you better short circuit your brain.  Yep, that's right, don't think about it, just do it!  Apart from the realization that Nike has an apt slogan, you should also see at this point that sometimes you need to stop thinking.  And this only takes a few seconds - you don't want to be out of your mind for too long, it's not healthy.  Instead of thinking, just start doing - put on those sneakers, don the sweat pants, and just start driving to the gym, walking to the park, or running your route.  In fact, in the few seconds that it takes to start dressing for the gym, you will most likely have overcome the inertia of your over-thinking mind.

Once you've done this a few times, momentum will be on your side.  Plus once you start to see the results of your effort, your ego will kick in and keep you going.  Bear in mind that while we focused on exercise, the principles apply to anything in life which calls for action: spending more time with your kids, reading more, taking up a hobby, learning a new language.  You need to stop yourself from thinking just long enough to do it.  So go ahead, eat some mud!  Don't think, just do.

Too Nice To Be True

"If it's too good to be true, it probably is" - so goes the old adage, which can sometimes save you a world of grief, if applied in the right situation. The late comers to pyramid schemes, victims of lottery scams, and all the winners of free iPads curtesy of Mark Zuckerberg, can attest to this. But the cynical and distrustful attitude which the statement engenders may also result in missed opportunities.

For women in want of a good man, this may very well be the case. Most women will claim to be objective in their search for that perfect man, and they will quickly tell you that "bad boys" are no good, and they get very quickly ruled out. Now you may think that if you're not bad, you've got to be good, and therefore have a very clearcut chance. But things are never that simple. While "good" and "nice" may pass as synonyms for the lexically inclined, not so in the mind of a woman! And "nice" is not a label you want a woman to apply to you.

What! Why wouldn't I want to be considered nice? So asks the uninitiated in consternation. While doing nice things will score you points with the ladies, being labeled a "nice guy" is definitely not to be desired. In fact, you're probably better of being known as the bad boy, than the nice guy, for in this list (if you will forgive the cliché) they really do finish last. Bad boys might not win the girl in the long run, but most women will fall for them at some point, albeit short lived. Nice guys on the other hand are often left standing on the sidelines to put the pieces back together after his nemesis is done playing.

Well let's attempt the impossible, let's try to figure out what what goes on in the mind of a woman *gasp* as she ignores all the nice guys, and goes romping around in decidedly bad company.

Nice Guys Are Too Easy

First thing, get your mind out of the gutter, that's not the easy we are talking about. What we are talking about here is the propensity of women to want to improve their men. They love to dress, groom, and feed their men and the jury is out on whether to blame this on their Mom's or Mattel. And it doesn't stop there, as also to be improved is the personality and overall demeanor of their mate.

Put a bunch of men (preferably friends who go way back) all together at a house party with their mates, and very quickly you end up with a "Taming of the Crew" scenario - most attentive spouse wins! Women take great pleasure in pointing out how much Ken has changed since being with Barbara, and how much Vincent has mellowed in the five years he's been married to Marsha. And all credit goes to the woman who tamed this otherwise wild beast. 

And herein lies the problem - nice guys don't need to be tamed. While no one is perfect, there is nothing spectacular about taking a nice guy and making him nicer, who is going to notice that? Where is the challenge? Too easy, moving right along.


Too Nice

This brings us to our second scenario: perhaps nice guys are simply too nice.  This is where defense mechanisms kick in - he's too nice to be true, so he probably is a fake, best keep him at arms length.  Sadly, this is the case because the male species actively sabotages itself - at least one third of us!  While women may consciously, or subconsciously throw us into one of the three categories, we all reap the distrust which results from the bad experiences with the bad boys.

When a guy puts out his best foot, the girl assumes he's just trying to get through the door, from which point he'll simply get mud all over her abode.  The nicer he his, the more doubtful she becomes.  Like quick money for little or no work, this guy is just too nice to be true.


He's Just A Friend

While nice guys may not get their pick of girlfriends, they are often consistently nice and quickly overcome the prejudice all men face in the pursuit of the opposite sex.  Soon the nice guy who wasn't to be trusted becomes a nice friend to have around.  But alas, that's where it usually stops - just friends. The nice guy is the friend she can call when the bad boy has made her cry, again. The nice guy will always say the right words at that time of the month, when the boyfriend camps out at the bar, for his personal safety. And most importantly, the nice guys does not view her as a sex object and can simply enjoy her company.

We could go on and on about the benefits of having a nice guy as a friend. But I think that has been satisfactorily addressed elsewhere.  With all the benefits that come with having a nice guy as a friend, it is understandable that a woman will want to protect that friendship.  Unfortunately, that often means that she does not consider him for the role of a boyfriend.  Irrational fears may be at play here.  What if he changes?  What if it doesn't work out, she can't very well cry on his shoulder.  Best to keep him as a friend than risk losing him as a boyfriend.

Johnny Be Good

Be a bad boy, and you're guaranteed to have some fun.  Be a nice guy, and you'll make some great friends - everyone likes a nice guy.  But too often nice guys get stuck being just a friend.  We could play the blame game and place this right on the laps of the women who overlook the nice guys.  But perhaps these nice guys need some backbone too - and not the kind you get from steam fish, that comes later.

Is there a middle ground to be found?  ** cue drum roll ** Enter the good guy!  ** flourish and applause **  This guy has many of the characteristics of the nice guy, but he's got that edge that doesn't leave her feeling like she's missing out.  He'll buy her roses just because, but he also has some rough edges which she delights in trying to sand down.  For example, he is conscious of his appearance, but could use some help in that department.  And since he has a backbone, he can tell her what she doesn't want to hear (but needs to be told) when she's being stubborn.

So guys, go, be good!  For much like the protagonists of Hollywood, the good guy always gets the girl in the end.